Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in creation27's LiveJournal:

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Monday, March 12th, 2007
3:58 pm	Dream 3-12-07 I dreamt I was at my house in Lakeland and I saw someone, a girl I've liked for a long time, and then a bunch of other guys showed up too. My Boys were here, so we were down, but these guys just wanted to hang out, but I looked down and realized I was just wearing shorts and a t-shirt and wasn't exactly presentable, so I went in to get pants on, but it occurred to me that if a girl's interested she probably just wants to be with you, not really caring whether you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt or jeans or whatever. By then I was in my room already changing, and it was getting dark outside anyways (suddenly) and my parents were yelling, telling me I owed them money for some reason, I think it was just $20, but I was getting pissed, and for some reason as I was walking into a room that I guess was mine (though all it had was my dresser) I yelled back, "WHY DON'T WE MAKE IT $40?! I'LL PAY IT! BUT FORGET SEEING ME FOR CHRISTMAS!" I slammed the door and after a while, the guys were at my window, waving at me to come out. So I started scrabbling around my room looking for my black shorts and shirt (outside night attire), except suddenly my room was full of my stuff and I was having a hard time finding them. I think my brain really was trying to remember where they were in my real room. As I'm looking for my shorts these guy somehow get my window open and climb into my room, more and more of them until there's like 7 or 8. Some are around 13 and some seem 18-19, none seem hardcore, but they do seem to be up to something. The oldest one seems to be trying to ingratiate himself to me for some reason. I forget the shorts and put my black cargos on with my gun hidden under my shirt. As the guy is talking to me I start wondering just what exactly these guys have planned. I glance out the window and see the girl I like standing talking to someone, and I think *bait?* which then makes me wonder if I'm going to have to shoot one of these guys if they try anything. I'm somewhat disturbed at the thought and I think it wakes me up...the last thing I remember is the older guy telling me how I should trust him and then the youngest one who actually seems to be around 6-7 starts peeing on the back of his pants. I quickly grab his shoulders and slide him away from the kid and then I try to reverse the ingratiation by telling him how I just stopped that little kid from peeing on him and point at the little kid who is now actually peeing on my floor. I decide to take command, getting everyone out of my room and moving out... Current Mood: awake (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
1:45 pm	Note to Self Goals: I want to work in a corporate HQ so that I can make good money, maybe eventually getting into R&D of new product development. I'm an inovator at heart and look around each day and see ways of improving everything. (Sometimes I'm like, "God, this, this, and this would be so much better like this!" And He replies, "Yes, but you're learning." To which I *sigh* and think of how stubborn and unyielding everything in the universe can be.) I also want to teach or take 1-2 classes a semester while working full time in corporate HQ. I want to be balanced between the corporate world and the scholarly world so that my knowledge stays relevant. Current Mood: sick (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 8th, 2007
7:04 pm	Rough, ROUGH Day... So, I had a SUPER rough day yesterday. I went to First Alliance - Amber Gaile Colson's church (which is now my church) and I don't know how that's going, she touches my heart in ways I haven't felt since Kati. Then there was this church Baking Competition that I SOMEHOW got involved in (I could've sworn I said no), and of course I thought Amber was going to be there, mostly because she said she would be. She texts me at the last minute and says she can't make it because she has "company" (which from a source it turns out might have been her ex-bf, which is =-/). So I get 3rd place at the competition, but am very UNDERwhelmed by the whole thing because I was hoping I'd have Amber there to talk to. OK, no big, I can deal. Now I've gotta go to work at Target 10p - 7a New Promotion, POG Team yay...same rate of pay. I can tell old manages aren't happy I got the promo. =-D Job is HARD though, Target AC is turned off that night?!?! Good attitude, *whistling while I work*, everything's A-Ok, but this isn't doing ANYTHING for my resume, just spinning my wheels making 9$ a hour. I make sure to set a good example for the other workers, working quickly and efficiently, but I'm sick, I can feel it. I'm fighting the cough that EVERYONE seems to have, but not coughing, just that Hot feverish sick that tells you you're fighting something. On top of that I'm heart-sick, I can feel the chaotic echos of fear eating away at me inside, *she still likes Matt*, *you didn't make her laugh enough*, *she blew you off*, *you have to be funnier and make her smile more!*...I just shake it off and keep working. I'm more hardcore than this, I don't worry about the little things, she's just a girl who could potentially capture my heart, no big right? Not as important as........? I do my job with ruthless efficiency, making sure to outpace the others, except for the ladies who've been doing it for 3 years. (They're like Retail Ninjas! Flitting here and there, they appear one moment in one spot and then re-appear a few moments later in another spot with the previous spot completely reorganized. Things FLY onto the shelves in perfect order almost like magic.) Job gets done, on my way home, no big HOORAY, just *clock-out* get in the car, drive home, take a shower, fall into bed and sleep. I text Amber about her upcoming job interview and tell her the truth, that she's more than qualified for the job she's applying for, and read my Bible and pray that she gets what she wants, whatever it is. Think about texting Sophie back, but never can tell where I stand with her, so just close my phone and drift off to sleep the rest of the hard working... Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
10:59 pm	An Inconvenient Truth After all my great learning I have come to this one great conclusion. 'I am a figment of my own imagination.' Grad school's been rough! It's not so much the classes, rather the lack of support the college I'm currently attending offers MBAs. Otherwise thing's have been cool. I don't have enough LJ friends. I know it, but most of the people I know don't use LJ. My new house is SO sweet! Seriously....I think I'm going to try to rent it all next year as well. I already paid almost all the way through next semester. Quantitative Methods, or Business Stats 2 has changed my life profoundly...then again, I'm teaching myself about Quantum Physics at the same time. I've decided I hate being human. I wouldn't choose to be some sort of machine or animal either, but God created us with so many flaws that it's just TOO obvious He CREATED us to be reliant upon Him. I suppose humans do the same things. We created cars that require our minds to operate and eventually we'll create AIs that probably require our permission to do anything. Created in God's image. I graduate with my MBA next semester. That means that I have one semester to decide where to go next. I can go somewhere prestigious and get my Ph.D in something. I can go into the police force and either work my way up through the ranks or go into the FBI. I can stay in Lakeland, get a corporate job and start dating some of my friend's at Southeastern University. Why do girls tend to marry their fathers? Even though they don't want to, they do it anyway. Why do a lot of guys marry their mothers? I thought about this for a long time....and I analyzed who I'm attracted to and I kindof figured out something. I think I want to marry myself. HAHA! No seriously though, the girls I'm attracted to are kind, intelligent, funny, self-aware, observant, distant, pretty, but most importantly they see me. I have this........thing, this ability. Often, I can look someone in the eyes and see them, through all the masks, all the bs people throw up to hide themselves, because most people, really want to be seen, they're just afraid that we'll judge them. I dunno, maybe I'm projecting myself onto the girls I like though? Psychoanalysis. I like this girl, Chelsea Lea Speaker, but I don't have time to like her. Grad school is getting in the way of real life, then again, lack of money is getting in the way of real life, then again that's not true either, 'I am my own worst enemy.' I am my own worst enemy. That is the greatest Truth I have ever known, because...I am afraid of falling in Love. I'm afraid that Love will shackle me and I'll end up some NOBODY SHMOE with 999 kids and a crappy job, I mean, what's with the breeders anyways? All these PEOPLE! They keep breeding and breeding like it REALLY matters. DeGenerates. I like China's laws about not letting peopel have kids unless they've PROVEN themselves somehow. You want kids? Tell us why we should let you. Lakeland is an AMAZING place to live, AMAZING. I met this girl the other day Kristen Cotton; She was really cute. I think I convinced her to go to SEU. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but it's the best thing for her. She was definetly on the fence, but I told her about state schools and how...confused a lot of people are there and how liberal and unChristian it is, and somewhere in the course of it I convinced her to go to SEU. Her father teachers at SEU so I don't know why she wouldn't. This other girl Sophie Lorraine Fettke, she acts really nice, but she really just patronizes me. I understand though, she has a twin sister named Stephanie who's more like me than anyone I've ever met (which is why I like her) and she has this inferiority complex about her. She thinks her twin sister is prettier than her. They're fraternal twins though not identical. I like the place where I'm at right now. I...I'll never let myself be chained, I'm free, and money will give me Mobility. Did I mention that my house-mate friggin ROCKS? He's one of the best musicians that I've EVAR met and he SEES what's really going on!!! I hate it when people are so UNaware, but that's how some of the powers-that-be want them to be. "Don't worry about making decisions. We'll take care of everything and you just sit tight and keep working....drone." HA! Maybe I'll become one of the powers-that-be eventually. What we really need is a process that enables those people who WILL NOT ALLOW themselves to be drone, to get up into higher levels of power and authority, because if we don't then inevitably they will become anti-leaders, or leaders who represent everything the system stands against. Basically, leaders for Chaos(!). The system, sure it's flawed and much of it is ammoral, but it's a system, it doesn't make judgement calls, WE DO, that's why we have judges. The system SIMPLY represents ORDER and criminals are representatives of CHAOS. Dark and Light, Ying and Yang, God and Devil, Chaos and Order. The Bible talks about how God is a God of Order, so there is an Order to things even when we cannot see it, even if to US it looks random. The laws of Quantum Mechanics say that Chaos happens in a pattern, HA! The Big Bang, think of it like this, there are 99999 posabilities, BUT because EVERYTHING is interacting with each other, MOST if not all of the posabilities CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT. Do you realize how HARD it must be for God to maintain our Free-Will? How much CHAOS and 'Cancellation effect' he must HOLD BACK to enable us to KEEP our free will? I've written enough for tonight, perhaps I'll write a book about the Truth. But does anyone even Care about the Truth anymore? Are you ALL TOO BUSY BEING ENTERTAINED??? Football, Concerts, Celebtrity Idol Worship, False Religion, Humanism, STUPID Science based on OBVIOUS Fallacy (There is Good science and there is DUMB science). Ok, I'm done ranting. I'm not the be all to End all, I'm not the Kwisatz Haderach, though I'm not like you...in some ways I wish I was like you, all of you...people, out there, breeding, worshiping false gods, giving yourself over to your pleasures and spending yourselves on your self-worship. Though I am more guilty than most, Pride, Envy, deceit, for I most likely am telling myself lies to be as content as I am each day. Inevitably all contentment is either disrupted by the truth or kept intact by self-deciet, except the contentment that Paul found, for his contentment was found in his GIVING HIMSELF WHOLLY TO THE WILL OF GOD. But I'm no Plank Eye, I don't specifically judge people for anything, Jesus greatest message was that we are to Love each other and not judge, because everyone's sin, is their upon their OWN head. Abortion, lust, deceit, slander, hate, all of it is upon their own head, then again, you cannot ignore it if it spills over onto someone else either. Pimps? In the past we glorified them, but they were SLAVERS. Pimps basically kidnapp girls at age 17-20ish, hook them on drugs and keep them confined for a year, and then put them out on the street as a slave or rent them out over the phone. Yeah, 'Pimpin Ain't Easy' And Neither is Slave ownership I bet. I can't BELIEVE any person who's past generations were enslaved would EVER either BE a pimp or allow a pimp to live. Pimps are modern day SLAVE OWNERS and so are drug dealers. Anyways, I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me, I'll be home for Christmas, just you wait and see. Current Mood: content (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
2:27 pm	Life is so hard it's easy This semester is going pretty well, but it's a very precarious balance I have going. I have to balance work with school, work with rent payments, having fun with work/school/rent, and on top of that most girls are nuts. I don't really even try anymore, I mean, I try a little, but mostly I just focus on gettings straight As, making money and advancing my career, and having fun. I have 3 jobs now. I'm a Security Officer=S/O where I can almost the whole time (ROCK!), I'm being trained as a Substitute Teacher this month, and I work at Blockbuster. Blockbuster's WAY fun but I don't know if it's going to last. I might be moving into a new apartment with 4 other guys. Windover is nice and it's ok living their, but $800 a month is too much. The new apartment will be $375 a month and is WAY nicer. It has a pool, a patio, is in a nicer neighborhood, and I think living with 4 other Christian guys will be cool. I think everyone is insane. Sometimes I feel like no one really sees what is going on, like everyone is wearing blinders, like no one can see the big picture, but it's alright, I'm ok with that. Maybe one day I'll work for someone on the Tri-Lateral Commission or for one of the people who actually runs the things, because seriously, I think I could help a lot to streamline the day-to-day operations of...you know...everything. ;-) I met this girl named Chelsey and she's AMAZING! I don't know if she likes me though =/ I mean, she has TONS of the Bible memorized which is SUPER attractive, and she wants to be a physical therapist which makes lots of money and means she's probably good at giving back rubs. Which is SUPER attractive! lol Also, this girl Caitlyn WOW'd me also. She's so honest and upfront about things, and she has a boyfriend who lives a million miles away, and I don't know if it would work between us, but she has really nice eyes and is ADoooooooRABLE. Anyways, I don't know if God really Loves me that much..... Current Mood: busy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
2:23 pm	If God will take care of the Starlings why should we worry? Then again.... I saw a starling in the Target parking lot today with a broken wing and an injured foot. I watched it for some time, noting how many other starlings were around the injured bird, playing, chasing each other, grabbing bits of food that people dropped, and yet the others didn't even seem to notice the small injured bird. The small starling lost the ability to fly. I thought it very sad. No matter what happens, there's always someone who is less fortunate than you. I cannot think of something worse than being able to fly free and then losing that ability. Would you trade a long lifespan for the ability to fly? What if scientists told you that they could give you the ability to fly, but that the stress of the process would cause you to die at 45. Would you do it? I think I would. 45 is not such a young age and a life full of the freedom of flight would truly be a life indeed. What if it was even younger? For example a genetically engineered human who can fly, is free from disease, and is much stronger and healthier than other humans, but who only lives to be 30. I thought of all this in 3 minutes. Imagine the sorts of things I think up in an hour... ;-) Current Mood: Analytical (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2006
4:54 pm	Things are better today... Saw two girls today. SUPER cute ones who were definetly giving me the 'come-here-and-talk-to-us' look. I didn't though, I don't know why...I geuss I just didn't feel like it. I got a job offer today from Blockbuster. It should be a RIDICULOUSLY easy job, which is why I applied there. I also had an interview at Target, so soon I'll probably have two Part Time jobs. YAY! Oh yeah, and I had an interview at Black and Brew. That place is COOL! So I might end up having THREE part time jobs. Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 17th, 2006
10:58 am	Today...is a good day to die, but not for my laptop to die! I feel ill today. I'm usually in a very good mood and up until this point things have been going VERY well.........well, not really actually, but I've been staying optimistic because some of my friends have things a lot worse than me. I mean, I like this girl I know more than words can express, but I avoid her because...I don't know why...maybe because I'm a pessamist? So things haven't been going THAT well....but I've just been relaxing and enjoying the ride. Today though, todaytodaytoday. Last night right in the middle of a 10 page paper on the Current Economic, Governance, and Business Legal status of Russia, my laptop just shuts off...just like that, just freezes and it's BRAND NEW. So I call Toshiba and they tell me it's under warranty until August 23rd and I should go to my Toshiba Authorized Repair Center. So I go there FIRST thing in the morning because I NEED my laptop for school and they tell me that it's NOT under warranty, but they'll work on trying to see if they can get it under warranty, and if I could get a verification sent to them everything would be great. So I call Toshiba and try to get a verification, and this guy Sigfriede from Germany or Hungary or something just keeps repeating over and over that I have to Re-Register my laptop with him blah blah blah. But I registered it with the little card thing and I don't want to register it again because I don't remember the specific information about the laptop and it's not with me and the Authorized Service provider told me she might be able to get it extended until September 20 of this year instead of August 23rd. So at this point I'm getting a head-ache because SIGFRIEDE keeps trying to INSIST that I register it with him blah blah blah, and I'm like "Uhm.....why can't you just call YOUR Authorized dealer and jsut TELL HER it's ok? I'm not going to Re-Register, forget it!" Eventually speak with his supervisor, but Sigfriede puts me on hold for like 15 minutes before his supervisor Jackie comes on, another Foreign jerk who starts giving me the run around again and now I'm like...forget it, I'm not even going to deal with you right now and I just hang up. Did I mention that some fuses in my car just went out? So it runs but none of the electronics work until I replace it. On top of that, I walk into the Southeastern University Library and right in the front is an add for a house for rent, $400 a month EVERYTHING (including cable and internet) included and I'm paying WAY more than that for my apartment.........oh man oh man......I just don't know right now. I mean, I'm in WAAAAAAAAY over my head.....it's bad enough that I like this girl who'll probably never understand me.... In Summary: Laptop with half my Final Semester Paper on it (Broke) Car (Fuse needs replaced) Apartment (Realization that I'm paying WAY too much) *sigh* And I don't have a job yet and this next semester is going to be REAAAAALLY tough.....one of the hardest semesters yet. I'm in over my head....I'm SERIOUSLY thinking about dropping out and going overseas for a few semesters. Ok, normally I'm a ZEALOT you know? But right now...I just don't know...I mean, my finances are stretch to their limits with the new apartment and not having a job (even though now I have a roommate) and the highest paying job I have been able to find is $10 an hour as an Assistant Manager at EBGames... I've been feeling really strange lately because...I feel like I have two personalities sometimes. This light happy personality who sees everything through the eyes of Faith and hope refusing to see the darker side of life....or as I call it, reality and this other person who sees everything as it Truthfully and does not believe in any kind of mystical force or chance. Right now....I'm leaning towards the other person...I can't BELIEVE I don't have a good paying job yet. I mean, I have a Business Degree for God's sake and I don't have a good paying job! I'm really frazzled right now by that.....I GEUSS what I'm going to HAVE to do is work for a Temp Agency to get my foot in the door at a Corporation like Publix. The position I was recently offered at a Temp Agency was $7.50 an hour 40 hours a week 8am - 4:30pm which comes out to $300 a week which is basically crap, but it would get my foot in the door at Publix. It's Corporate, which I like, despite the fact that I really had my heart set on working for Target... Sorry for the negativity, maybe I should've gone for a run instead...but now I've gotta redo my whole paper and I don't even have my beloved laptop...====----///// Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
5:11 pm	Recuring Dream? Uhhhm, if I disappear or something after this I will be VERY upset! I keep having this....memory? Dream? I'm on a field trip with this place I used to go called The Science Center where I took summer classes. This particular field trip was to a parking lot somewhere to meet a nuclear scientist or something. I remember he let us play with a quarter sized amount of depleted Uranium or something and they asked each of us a series of math and some other odd questions...this one smart who I thought was kindof weird answered them right I geuss. As we were filing on the bus I asked my teacher about it and he said, "He didn't answer them right, he just said the answers they wanted to hear." To which I replied, "Soooo...he got them right then? So he gets to stay and we have to leave." He glanced back at the kid and so did I, and the kid looked happy, but something about my teachers eyes told me that I was glad I DIDN'T know the answer. The next day I asked my classmates about the trip and they didn't know what I was talking about. I asked the teacher who took us and he told me that the day before we conducted an experiment on something or other (we were always conducting experiments) and then he said something about me being Disruptive and if I didn't stop it, he'd kick me out of class permanently.... Well, his class was in fact one of my favorites because we mostly experimented with candy chemicals........so I sat down and just chalked it up to a bad dream......but I KNOW it wasn't a dream because I remember the depleted uraniam quarter piece falling on the ground and chipping pavement. I remember it was incredably heavy, WAY too heavy for it's tiny quarter size, and I really liked playing with it, but they took it away quickly, I think because they thought I might try to keep it or something...... I asked around about the smart/weird kid after that and the teachers said his parents decided to put him in a different program and the kids said his parents couldn't afford the science center anymore, but his parents were RICH, his dad was a doctor or something, so........I don't remember if I ever saw him again.............................I really don't...................I wonder if they're paying him a lot to do whatever it is they chose him for??? Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 13th, 2006
1:10 am	Today was Spiritually Fullfilling and Hard So I've been grappling with whether I should move to Lakeland and be near campus to partake in the campus experience, the Lakeland surroundings, ect. Or if I should move to Tampa where the rent is less, I already know people ect. I don't know..... I DO know I don't want to marry a girl who wants kids! HA! I figured that out a little while ago, because....I don't really want to spend money on kids, so I don't want a girl who wants them....I SUPPOSE I would settle for a girl who wants kids if I fell in Love with her ect. PSSH! I dunno. I'm tired. today I: Watched The Notebook, Hung out with my friend from Texas, Raced to school because I spent too much time with Texas friend, Fasted from awake till next I wake (no food all day), prayed all day, was sad about a girl at SEU who I am CRAZY about but am really unsure about, read a 30 page article about Russian Corporate Governance and Risk and gave an oral report for the class about it.... JEASE, my day was really full...........my foot is almost completely better! (In case you didn't know I couldn't walk for a few days.) I hope....I hope....I hope God actually listens to us and cares....because there is nothing I wouldn't sacrifice, for that which I'm seeking after. Current Mood: tired (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
9:14 pm	OVER! I am SO ready for grad school to be OVER! I am SO ready for my braces to be OVER! I am SO ready for my barely scraping by because I'm a college student to be OVER! I am SO ready for this waiting to be OVER! If I were an Eagle I could fly, if I were a wolf I could hunt, if I were a fish I could swim, but I'm a human so all I can do is THINKTHINKTHINK!!! But seriously, I'm actually working on a book right now, isn't that odd? To think that I could write a book? But it's kindof happening and I'm doing it and enjoying it, I'd still trade it for the ability to fly, or turn into a Wolf or Shark though. Huh. Current Mood: aggravated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 9th, 2006
2:24 am	SPEED: The state of being in rapid motion; rapidity; A stimulant drug; Prosperity; luck. I was cruising tonight after a movie with a bunch of friends (some of whom are cute...) and WOW! I realized that I am ADDICTED to SPEED!!! HAHAHAHAAAA! I was going 120 (I stop looking after 120 and pay close attention to the road) and WHIZING past people, WOOOOW.......I'm addicted! ADDICTED: To occupy with or involve in something habitually or compulsively; One who is addicted, a compulsive activity; A devoted adherent. So I KNOW I'm addicted to it, HAHAHAHA, but I just DON'T CARE anymore. I mean, devotion, Love.......it's like, when I'm in my car speeding.....it's like nothing else is real....nothing else matters.....and if it does...if it DOES matter to me....THEN I know it's real, because I am RAW when I'm speeding, FREEEE. Speeding to me is VERY much comparable to how my life has become. I set goals and then I achieve them, while....it seems like others.....don't... I can't WAIT until I have my MBA! I'm going to buy a sports car, I'm not sure if I'm going to trade my Avalon or not, but I HAVE to buy a sports car. I'll get a truck too, but I think a sports car will probably be first. I keep thinking WRX STi. I'm DEF sold on the Toyota Tundra for a truck though. =-D DEVOTION: Ardent, selfless affection and dedication, as to a person or principle; zeal or piety. Love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection, solicitude, and devotion toward a person; an intense emotional attachment to; A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of romance Current Mood: AMPED! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
7:57 pm	V for Vendetta If you have not seen this movie, GO SEE IT!!! I'm going to buy it ASAP!!! It's like Phantom of the Opera, The Shadow, and The Game all put together. It could even have been longer and I would have LOVED it. Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
4:45 pm	Everything Changes Everything changes So fast and yet at the same time, nothing ever happens fast enough... Things currently thinking about: Moving to Lakeland Girls The Police Academy/Becoming a Cop Working Out Staying Tan Current Movies 10 Page Legal and Ethics Research Paper ROTC/Joining the Military Having an Open Heart even when girls trample it, because I'm stronger and harder inside than they understand, so no matter how much it hurts, I'm still ok... Current Mood: smiling with tears streaming (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
12:33 pm	I'm a horrible sinner? I used to think I was a horrible sinner, that I was one of the worst ever, and that I would probably go to hell for being so evil, but it always felt like God was saying, "Don't be so hard on yourself. I Love you and you're alright." Lately, hanging out with friends, jet skiing, cruisin the strip in Orlando, and hanging with people at SEU, I've come to really accept that I'm really above average. HA! PSSSH! I even know ministers who cross way to many lines. I don't judge though, I'm just saying, I feel a lot better about where I am. I mean, I'm still a virgin, I don't do drugs or smoke, I don't kiss a girl unless I Love her and could honestly say I would protect her unto death, but that's kindof a selfish thing for me too, because, you've just NEVER kissed someone unless you feel that kind of a deep feeling for them. Let me tell you, WHOAH. It's hard to find, but when you do, HANG ON TO IT. HA! Seriously, kissing someone you know you would die for is like both of you have 1 Million volts of electric running through your bodies as you kiss or something, anyways side tracked. lol I am just really optimistic about everything lately. Even a certain thing that isn't working out exactly how I want is still, OK, because, I mean, pretty soon I'll be making $30,000+ a year (and that's just starting), I'll have my own place, then I'll buy a new truck a little while after that, and I'll be making around $50-70,000+ when I finish my Masters in Summer of 07, which will just be AMAAAZZZING. I mean, $70,000 a year might not SOUND like a lot, but you'd be surprised what you can do with $70,000 a year, and that's just middle management. That's not even Corporate Operations/Logistical Management and Security which I really want to get into. Yeah, Prestige, Money, what more could you ask for...oh, well....yeah...I geuss there is that....February seems so far away....=-/ Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Friday, June 16th, 2006
2:39 am	Happiness... I might join the military, at least I'd feel like I belong somewhere. I spoke with an FBI recruiter and he brought up the CIA for some reason, and he wouldn't say why and Major Seifert at Florida Southern College brought up Military Intelligence. Is there a pattern here I'm not comprehending? Military Intelligence, the CIA.....I dunno.......whatever. I found a girl name Steph who is amazing, but I suck at girls, no that's not true, I suck at girls I like. It's like a CURSE, HA! Girls who like me, like me until I like them back, and then they don't like me, and then I'm mad at them for not liking me, and don't like them, so then they like me again, and around and around it goes. Whatever, I have Faith... Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Monday, June 12th, 2006
4:36 am	Weakness? So I'm conflicted. Is being a nice guy a weakness or a strength? Is being a virgin a weakness or a strength? Is Loving someone fully with with no concern for your own safety a weakness or a strength? Nice guys finish last? Is it true? Can you be a nice guy and yet still marry a girl who makes your heart ache? (I have no control over who does and doesn't make me feel this way.) Guys who are virgins sometimes feel less secure around girls because they care more (just like nice guys) about what the girls think and how they feel. Jesus didn't marry a girl, so are we to assume that God doesn't care about guys and girls getting together? Sure he blesses it if it happens, but you know how some pastors preach that there is 'one' out there for you? Well, what if there isn't? What if there's just a bunch of people out there that it'd be OK if you ended up with? Can you Love someone too much? I don't know. Is it a weakness to Love someone so much that sometimes it hurts to breathe around them? I'm not saying I have anyone like this right now, I'm just wondering if it's wrong? lol Anyways, just got back, from a run, in the rain, in the middle of the night, and it ROCKED! =-) Current Mood: Skeptical/Afraid (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
1:52 am	MIDDDLE CLAAASSS AAARRGGGH!!! Ok, so I haven't found any better pay than $30,000! MAN! I can buy the things I want with $30,000, like a new truck, jet skiis, go wherever I want, but MAN! I need to be making $70,000! HAHA! Maybe I'm just ungrateful, I dunno. I mean, sure I'm LUCKY...yay....I'm so underwhelmed. My DREAM is to make $70,000 a year, be the Luckiest, and well, I'm pretty sure I can take $70,000 a year, live on $40-50k and invest about $20,000 a year. If I did that I'd be a millionaire before I hit 40. BLAM!!! OOOOH SMACK! HAHAHAHA! Alright, I'm just frustrated because I have to start at the bottom and work my way up. *sigh* I'm going on a Police ride-a-long Saturday night from 8pm to 7am. I know a lot of you girls think I should be looking more closely at corporate jobs because they pay more in the long run ect, but I just feel like I should Protect and Serve because I'm strong enough to and because I know I'll be good at it. I'm also half way through my military medical pre-qualifications. I'm not saying any of these are.....ya know, final. I could be convinced otherwise I suppose. I dunno, I don't like the thought of being away from all of you for that long. Current Mood: accomplished (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
11:37 pm	My First Kiss I wonder if everyone remembers their first kiss. I remember the way the girl I first kissed look up into my eyes, I saw a mixture of emotions, like at least ten emotions all shinning at me. I think I was 14, and we were at a skating rink. We'd been going out for a while, like two weeks I think, and I remember we were going back and forth between skating, her cuddling up to me, running around outside, and just playin around making jokes and having fun with our freinds who really got along well. I remember we were sitting on these half-steps for some reason and I wanted to kiss her and I was pretty sure (although you can never be completely sure) she'd wanted to kiss me since the first time we went out. I was massaging her shoulders and neck and arms like I have a habit of doing because she liked it and she just suddenly turned around and looked up at me and everything sloowed, the skaters going by, the friends walking up, everything, slooowed to a crawl like....it was wierd.......I remember almost hearing her voice in my head (did she say it??? LOL), "Anytime you're ready. CMON." It sounded like she was annoyed that I hadn't made a move yet, and I ended up smiling at her so big that I almost couldn't kiss her, it was reeeaaallly great though. I remember pulling her towards me until we were pressed against each other and rubbing her back and playing with her hair, and the oddest thing I remember was her putting her arms around me after we had been kissing for a few seconds and how she pressed me towards her so hard I was concerned she might be hurting herself. I was pretty suprised at how strong she was (ok, yes, and pleased) when she was pressing me into her and how fast her heart was beating, almost like she was running. I wonder how mine was beating? I didn't really know what to think it all began happening so fast. I remember her exhaling through her nose and how suprised I was at how warm it felt on my face. You know some people say they're amazing kissers blah blah, but I think it's all about the chemistry you have with the person, and I think it should be all about the chemistry you have with the person. It's so weird the things you remember, the details that sticks out in my mind like how grateful I felt when she turned around and looked me in the eyes. On top of her annoyance at me, it looked like her eyes were saying, "You're really awsome, I want to keep you." I remember saying after we had kisses, "I'm not a puppy." And she laughed because she knew she was thinking it, and looped her arm in mine I mean, I geuss before this she hadn't given me any indicators or I just had missed them entirely.........hmmm......I think I must've missed them entirely because I remember a few times being really close to her and us just talking and there'd be a moment where she'd look into my eyes like, "What are you waiting for?" And after a few seconds she'd look away, and I could swear I'd hear her exhale in annoyance, and I'd make fun of her for it or just noted it in my mind to think about later. I dunno, I'm not even sure how I ended up going out with her. It was like we both just liked each other the first time we met, and we just liked being around each other. Have you ever been somewhere with someone and it was like, you didn't have to be doing anything, you just liked being with the person, like you just liked being in their presence? It's not easy to find, I promise you, too many people take for granted the contentment in finding someone you can just be with. But I think taking it for granted is common in America and it stems back to sin. You see, God gives you that feeling of contentment also (more so), but people don't value Him or their contentment with Him and so they turn away from Him and seek other things for contentment, but God cannot be replaced, and neither I think,can you get when you've found someone right for you. (America's divorce rate) It's almost like the relationship with that person is a more simplistic version of the relationship you have with God. So when you find someone like this, don't let go of them. If you find someone you just like being around, be around them, don't complicate things with unneccessary worries, just enjoy their presence as you Should enjoy God's presence, for He can always be in us and with us, and by His presence we are made into We. If you're still with me, then hopefully you're enjoying the story or perhaps gathering intel on me. These blogs are really for me and I make them private after a few days or weeks. She and I would talk about stuff forever, I don't even remember what we talked about half the time, we would just talk about anything and let the conversation flow, or sometimes we would not talk at all and just relax. I don't even know why I was attracted to her, something about her eyes and the way she treated me, how we interacted, like, even when we were mad at each other we could say things to each other and there'd be all these hidden meanings and we'd both understand a bunch of them or when we'd explain them to each other it was like, "YES! I thought you were saying that as well as this and this!" For example, one time she made me SO jealous because she was TOTALLY flirting with my friend in front of me. He was bigger than me (so I couldn't really tell him to back off or beat him up), and we went outside to talk and I said, "You're making me JEALOUS. I don't want to be jealous." And she said, "Then don't be." And then I said, "Please?" And she said, "*sigh* Alright." And she gave me a big looong hug, and then we went back inside. You don't think that's that a big of a deal right? Except for the fact that there were 4 or 5 different things said in each response. Like when I said, "You're making me JEALOUS." She understood that it meant, "You're making me jealous, hurting my feelings, making me want to injure one of my best friends, and betraying my trust in you." And when she said, "Then don't be." It meant, "Why are you being so insecure? It's unattractive and stupid." And when I said, "Please?" It really meant, "Please will you just be on my side? You know you owe me for all the times I take your side against our friends when we both know you're wrong." And her response, "*sigh* Alright." really meant, "*sigh* Alright, I was just having fun, I don't really like him, and it makes me feel really good knowing that I made you jealous so easily." Her extra big hug was significant too, because it was definetly initiated by her and she definetly put her head on my shoulder like she didn't want to leave. I'm not completely sure what that meant, maybe, "Thank you."? I dunno about the hug, maybe it was just, "I like hugging you." It was definetly reciprocal. =-D I don't even know why I thought about and wrote this. I just woke up today and it was playing in my mind, like something reminded me of it......I'm not sure. I just woke up, prayed, read Proverbs, read my devotional, and then sat down and wrote this. Sometimes I think girls have it easier because they understand what's going on inside of them. Current Mood: thoughtful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
5:04 am	I just realized... I am TOTALLY the jealous type....man-o-man......I keep thinking I'm going to go into the National Guard and the Police Academy, I mean, I think I'd be bored with any other job. Girls confuse and irritate me sometimes. Irrationality bothers me, it especially bothers me when I see a girl being taken advantage of by a guy who I KNOW is a player, and yet there is nothing that I or anyone else (including her friends) can do about it, because she will not listen to REASON, only swayed by emotions. I have become very cynical in this area and have found I even have become friends with a player or two because I look into the girls eyes who the players are playing and I know, that they know, that they're going to be played, and they know that I know that they know that they're going to be played. There are SO many situations in my life like that, where I know that they know that I know that they know, so when Major Seifert handed me a brochure on Military Intelligence and said I'd probably like it, I immediately knew exactly what he was talking about. You see, on the cover of the brochure it said, "They don't know, that we know, what they know." I thought to myself after reading it, "But what if they DO know, that we know, what they know? What if they know that we know what they know we know? I mean, it could get really dangerous if they know that we know what they know, because if they know that we know what they know, then they could pretend they don't know that we know what they know, and then we would NOT know what they know, because they will have discovered that we know what they know and will stop doing whatever it is that we know they are doing. Those were just the thoughts in the few seconds after looking at the brochure, I had many more on the drive to school. What if they know that we know that they know, that we know? I mean, what if they know, what we know, and we know what they know, but we don't know that they know what we know, and they don't know that we know what they know? So part of knowing, would have to know what they know, and know what they know that we know. HAHAHAH! Anyways, I'm going to bed. Molztoff! lol Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)